How Pregnancy is Affecting My Sexual Confidence (and other insecurities of a previously unashamed freaky wife)

*Foreclosure: Because my blog content contains explicit and graphic descriptions of my sexual life as a newlywed, along with accompanying photos to validate such scenarios (yes those are all of my husband and myself I am extremely proud to confirm), it may surprise readers to know that this post has been the most difficult to express. However, I strive for honesty and full disclosure always and must ask my readers to withhold judgement for this emotionally fragile new mommy-to-be.

 

The following is a list of only recently inherited insecurities and self-doubt regarding both motherhood and my sexual confidence as a result of the accompanying changes:

 

• I am sometimes ashamed of how my body looks naked for my husband.

 

• I am worried that my maternal instincts will not kick in naturally and I will struggle with things that should be inherent knowledge.

• I fear I will make mistakes that will emotionally affect my child for life.

• I worry about being judged by better mothers than myself, as judgement only truly affects my soul when I care very much of the accused shortcoming.

• I worry my husband will be disappointed in choosing me to bear his children and wish he had chosen differently

• I worry that I won’t be as good of a mother as the standard my own mom set my sights upon. (actually I do not worry this might be true, I already know my capabilities fall short of hers)

• I fear that my husband won’t be so overly and obnoxiously and obsessively attracted to me. It is more important than I let him know, and it will devastate me to fall short of his devotion.

Life of a Freaky…Mom?

It should come as no surprise, I suppose, to find myself in the family way after only 5 short months of marriage, I’ll admit. We were even “not trying to not” get pregnant, the whole pull the goalie scenario that weirdly surprises couples who get knocked up after attempting. And yet…when I saw those double pink lines, and re-read the definition of said lines on the home-pregnancy test box, it about knocked me flat on my back. And not in the kinky sexual way you would assume I allude to.

For some reason (one I can’t even explain to myself much less anyone else, sorry) I have always had a deep dark fear of potential infertility. No I have no health issues or failures to previously conceive or any other rationale to justify such a concern. I just have never put my body’s health/needs in priority and I passed 30 years without so much as a pregnancy scare (and with irresponsible birth control during long term relationships, including with my husband). 

In summary, I have known about my pregnancy for almost two months now and it still doesn’t quite feel real. I have even had an ultrasound and seen my baby growing perfectly, with only brief bursts of clarity as to the magnitude this life event. This lack of attachment or bonding after so long sometimes makes me doubt my maternal instincts and feel guilty for not experiencing the widely known phenomenon of “a mother becoming a mother when she gets pregnant”. 

Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand: I am over the moon and love my baby very much with zero regrets about his (hoping for boy) arrival AT ALL. It just doesn’t feel real yet. And I was expecting it to have changed my identity a LONG time ago. Is this theory of mothers bonding at conception different for everyone or am I just an asshole who probably won’t be a very good mother and seems indifferent or cold? Because I have never doubted my latent mothering skills or maternal instincts until now. Is this simply because now I really am a mother and I am scared?

My fear is undoubtedly real but I choose to believe it is unfounded and normal, embarking upon such a change. Moms or moms to be, what advice or experience in this area might you offer a scared-shitless newbie as myself? 

How may you deflower me? Let me count the ways…

Bathroom quickie, my POV in the mirror!

 

In honor of my upcoming 30th birthday, I’m taking count of what I’ve learned, lost and gained thus far and decided to share a bit of my remembrance with you all. I married my husband in the “fourth quarter, Hail Mary” portion of my 20’s and in that short year and a half I gave him a shit ton of my firsts, my “cherries” so to speak. Here is a list of all of the ways my husband deflowered me in my 20’s:

• Fucked my ass
• Licked my ass
• Double penetration (one was a toy)
• Triple penetration (two were toys. Nuff said)
• Orgasm from oral
• First squirt (and countless subsequent squirting. Show off)
• Ball-gagged
• Home-made porn
• tattoo
• marriage
• motherhood (step-mother currently, first pregnancy hopefully soon)
• first enema
• first facial (and yes E. I am telling you the truth. Never had a pearl necklace or earrings or anything else “pearl-ish” above the neck before you. Thanks for the pearls!!)

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Toys, Chains and How I First Squirted

When I first met E. I thought I was a freak, and uninhibited in the bedroom. While it’s true that I had no inhibitions (regarding my experiences thus far), I quickly found out how wrong I was about my freak status. Looking back over the last year and a half, I learned so many surprising things about myself. Here are 5 discoveries I recently made:

1. I enjoy being dominant on occasion.  I’m naturally submissive in most facets of my life, and when my husband casually mentioned he likes to be dominated once in awhile I froze. It kind of scared the shit out of me because I had no idea where to begin. I thought it would feel fake or forced, to project a persona that I simply didn’t possess. But I wanted to please him. So I lifted my chin, pulled out our flogger, bound his wrists together and began whipping him. Turns out, I kind of like it.

2. I love my ass being licked.  The first time E. licked my asshole I was both horrified and embarrassed. He sneak attacked me under the covers one night, and I immediately clenched up and forbid him to do that again without permission. Over the next couple weeks he slowly eased me into being comfortable enough to both A) Admit that I liked it and B) Push my ass into his face in lieu of asking for it directly. So ladies (or gents), take my advice. As a former anal virgin myself, you won’t regret trying this one. It just feels so fucking good.

3. Sex toys for couples are fucking fun.   Pre-husband, I’d bought and owned exactly one sex toy my whole life. A nondescript pink vibrator, about as standard as you can get for beginners’ toys. My new favorites include cock rings, nipple clamps and anal beads, depending on my mood. Who knew that toys WITH a partner were so enjoyable?!  Laugh if you want, but believe me, I’m making up for lost time.

4. I deeply enjoy the feel of chains.   I knew that I liked to be restrained, but I never would have guessed how sexy those heavy chains felt draped across my naked body. Even when they were only placed for aesthetic (as opposed to restraint) something about the weight turns me on and makes me feel like a sex goddess. Every time.

5. I am a squirter.  Until my husband happily proved me wrong, I legit thought that squirting was a myth invented by porn directors. I mean, I’ve always been a multiple-orgasm girl, so if it hadn’t happened by now it probably was fake….right? Nope. Wrong-o. My husband can make me squirt on command, and his record so far (he would insist I point out) is 6 consecutive.

Now that I’ve disclosed my dirty deets, share with me your own! There is always something to learn, and I’m ready to be schooled.