Life of a Freaky…Mom?

It should come as no surprise, I suppose, to find myself in the family way after only 5 short months of marriage, I’ll admit. We were even “not trying to not” get pregnant, the whole pull the goalie scenario that weirdly surprises couples who get knocked up after attempting. And yet…when I saw those double pink lines, and re-read the definition of said lines on the home-pregnancy test box, it about knocked me flat on my back. And not in the kinky sexual way you would assume I allude to.

For some reason (one I can’t even explain to myself much less anyone else, sorry) I have always had a deep dark fear of potential infertility. No I have no health issues or failures to previously conceive or any other rationale to justify such a concern. I just have never put my body’s health/needs in priority and I passed 30 years without so much as a pregnancy scare (and with irresponsible birth control during long term relationships, including with my husband). 

In summary, I have known about my pregnancy for almost two months now and it still doesn’t quite feel real. I have even had an ultrasound and seen my baby growing perfectly, with only brief bursts of clarity as to the magnitude this life event. This lack of attachment or bonding after so long sometimes makes me doubt my maternal instincts and feel guilty for not experiencing the widely known phenomenon of “a mother becoming a mother when she gets pregnant”. 

Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand: I am over the moon and love my baby very much with zero regrets about his (hoping for boy) arrival AT ALL. It just doesn’t feel real yet. And I was expecting it to have changed my identity a LONG time ago. Is this theory of mothers bonding at conception different for everyone or am I just an asshole who probably won’t be a very good mother and seems indifferent or cold? Because I have never doubted my latent mothering skills or maternal instincts until now. Is this simply because now I really am a mother and I am scared?

My fear is undoubtedly real but I choose to believe it is unfounded and normal, embarking upon such a change. Moms or moms to be, what advice or experience in this area might you offer a scared-shitless newbie as myself? 


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