How Pregnancy is Affecting My Sexual Confidence (and other insecurities of a previously unashamed freaky wife)

*Foreclosure: Because my blog content contains explicit and graphic descriptions of my sexual life as a newlywed, along with accompanying photos to validate such scenarios (yes those are all of my husband and myself I am extremely proud to confirm), it may surprise readers to know that this post has been the most difficult to express. However, I strive for honesty and full disclosure always and must ask my readers to withhold judgement for this emotionally fragile new mommy-to-be.

 

The following is a list of only recently inherited insecurities and self-doubt regarding both motherhood and my sexual confidence as a result of the accompanying changes:

 

  • I am sometimes ashamed of how my body looks naked for my husband.

 

  • I am worried that my maternal instincts will not kick in naturally and I will struggle with things that should be inherent knowledge.

  • I fear I will make mistakes that will emotionally affect my child for life.

  • I worry about being judged by better mothers than myself, as judgement only truly affects my soul when I care very much of the accused shortcoming.

  • I worry my husband will be disappointed in choosing me to bear his children and wish he had chosen differently

  • I worry that I won’t be as good of a mother as the standard my own mom set my sights upon. (actually I do not worry this might be true, I already know my capabilities fall short of hers)

  • I fear that my husband won’t be so overly and obnoxiously and obsessively attracted to me. It is more important than I let him know, and it will devastate me to fall short of his devotion.

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Life of a Freaky…Mom?

It should come as no surprise, I suppose, to find myself in the family way after only 5 short months of marriage, I’ll admit. We were even “not trying to not” get pregnant, the whole pull the goalie scenario that weirdly surprises couples who get knocked up after attempting. And yet…when I saw those double pink lines, and re-read the definition of said lines on the home-pregnancy test box, it about knocked me flat on my back. And not in the kinky sexual way you would assume I allude to.

For some reason (one I can’t even explain to myself much less anyone else, sorry) I have always had a deep dark fear of potential infertility. No I have no health issues or failures to previously conceive or any other rationale to justify such a concern. I just have never put my body’s health/needs in priority and I passed 30 years without so much as a pregnancy scare (and with irresponsible birth control during long term relationships, including with my husband). 

In summary, I have known about my pregnancy for almost two months now and it still doesn’t quite feel real. I have even had an ultrasound and seen my baby growing perfectly, with only brief bursts of clarity as to the magnitude this life event. This lack of attachment or bonding after so long sometimes makes me doubt my maternal instincts and feel guilty for not experiencing the widely known phenomenon of “a mother becoming a mother when she gets pregnant”. 

Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand: I am over the moon and love my baby very much with zero regrets about his (hoping for boy) arrival AT ALL. It just doesn’t feel real yet. And I was expecting it to have changed my identity a LONG time ago. Is this theory of mothers bonding at conception different for everyone or am I just an asshole who probably won’t be a very good mother and seems indifferent or cold? Because I have never doubted my latent mothering skills or maternal instincts until now. Is this simply because now I really am a mother and I am scared?

My fear is undoubtedly real but I choose to believe it is unfounded and normal, embarking upon such a change. Moms or moms to be, what advice or experience in this area might you offer a scared-shitless newbie as myself?